18 til I Die

Indescribable. The feeling when I put down my pen at the final minute of the Lending paper today.

Melissa, Yvonne and I celebrated our soaring spirits at Waterfront in Crown, where I whopped down oysters and swordfish and we finished up a bottle of white wine.

Yvonne says I always make fun of her on my blog. So this time I’m not going to make fun of how red she looks after only half a glass of white wine.

>_<

I tied my hair up today cos it was mussing about and I couldn’t concentrate in the exam hall. So when I got out, Yi Min said "Continue tying your hair like dis la.. nice la.. I like! I like!"

*gulp*

Well newsflash. I don’t look good with my hair tied up. And that pic above is proof. Aunty to the max.

So after dinner I scoot off to Melb Central to meet Jess and CK, who were getting a massage. No, CK was getting the massage while Jess was pissed bored waiting for him. This is the first time I’m meeting them since they flew over on Monday. Some friend, huh? Dunno where else to bring them so I fall back on the tried-and-true plan: Max Brenner. And the strawberry dip dip thing.

It worked! Jess got so excited about eating the dipped strawberries. CK wasn’t impressed by the choc extravanganza menu and ordered… TEA.  =_=

However, after he tasted the melted choc dip, he changed his mind about the choc in the joint and ended up buying 120 dollars worth to bring back to the folks back home. We went back to their hotel room for more wine, and cards.

And that’s when my 65 dollar meal came out. Bladi heck. Pay so much to eat so expensive only to have me stomachache three hours later.

No mood take taxi to Yvonne’s place. So I took the Knight Rider home. Speaking of Knight Rider, this middle aged man with beer breath sat next to me and suddenly after 5 minutes leaned towards me and asked me to save him a seat as he was going out of the bus for a smoke since passengers were still boarding.

So I place my bag on the seat next to me. When it was time to leave, I swear Tim Cahill boarded the bus. Ok, an amazing lookalike. And behind ‘Tim’ was the middle aged man I was supposed to save a seat for. Both of them walked towards me, and I lift up my bag for the old dude. Suddenly, ‘Tim’, who was in front of the old dude, thought I was offering him a seat and plopped down next to me.

Heehee. Who’s complaining??

Tomorrow, and tomorrow’s tomorrow and the day after that and that will be P-A-C-K-E-D. We’re going on a major whirlwind shopping thing tomorrow, and CK is already freaking out. What am I going to do, oi?? Sit and wait ar???

Yalar.

Less than48 hours to an exam that I haven’t finished reading the syllabus for the first time, and here I am, electronically jotting down my thoughts that are so not gonna help me score in the exam.

Actually I brought my travel journal along with me to Australia, but I did not write in it at all. I think’s it’s all due to having this blog.

Got home yesterday after the exam and decided to continue with packing. Called up Jetta Express only to find out that the supposed 3.50 per kg delivery cost turned out to be a whopping 130bucks for 15kg, with taxes, and insurance and god knows what other miscellaneous costs combined. Foof off la. My blanket and my lecture notes aren’t worth all that much.

In quite an anti mood with one of my housemates, because I feel he is not who I thought he was. Kind of those pretender types, who don’t know how to respect boundaries, and frankly I think he sometimes leads other people on. Well I guess I have pretty much no right to dictate how he should be, but I’ve never been one to hide my feelings very well and hence, my disgust does well up whenever I see him. I always lock my door nowadays, because he opens it without knocking. Like Hello.. we are friends but it does not mean I give you the right to encroach in my space. And I don’t want to think about the time when he got close enough to me to .. PINCH MY CHEEKS. I got fucking mad, shot him an angry look and avoided him even more since then. we are friends, but not that close, so I hate you doing that.. it just makes me wana stay away from you even more!

I’m happy I’m leaving soon. Another 3 more nights in this joint, and I’m off to Tasmania. And then home. The countdown begins. 42 hours to freedom. To the post-exam celebration at Waterfront in Crown. To rounding all the shopping spots in Melbourne with Jess (whom I havent met since she arrived on Monday) To OD-ing on Max Brenner. To the view from Mt Wellington. To the Cadbury Chocolate Factory.

Most of all. To home. To my family. And to the guy I love.

PS- It is true what Tracy’s dad said about you. Thank you for endlessly searching for a room for me, even though you’re back on your crutches again. I promise I’ll beat it back home to be your willing maid. 

Should I cut my hair? My hair is so long it touches the small of my back. But cut what style? Definitely not like THIS ONE.

That time the dungu look was in.

The number of remaining exams shares an inverse relationship with one’s happiness level. For now, I’m happy to say that one more exam left is better than 2. Or 3. Came out of Investments scratching my head. Now I know what Joel meant when his MSN nick displayed "using a cannon to kill an ant" or something to that effect.

To me, it felt like loading an AK-47 to the max but only firing a coupla pathetic rounds to kill a mouse, or something equally pathetic.

Should have spent that time on Lending. Aaaah. Lending. That one is another story. I’ve got 2 days for e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Never seen the theory before in my life.

I’m being thought of as an atheist. Just got off the phone from having this conversation with him:

Me: "Good luck okay… you can do it. When they put the exam paper on the table, don’t bother trying to scan through the paper to decipher the exam question. Just take three deep breaths.. and pray."

Him: "Pray?! YOU? pray?"

Me: "Yalah. Before they announce reading time for every exam, also I pray. Why kenot ah."

Him: *in shock* "You pray to WHO?!"

Me: "Anyone who is free to listen, lah."

Yes. I pray okay. Although I don’t have a religion. Yet.

But it doesn’t make me an atheist. I prefer to think of myself as agnostic. An agnostic does not deny the presence of God and heaven, but cannot be sure either whether they really exist. Maybe there are more different types of Gods, also.

Hmm.. so I guess an agnostic who goes through strings of bad luck and accidents in his life would die an atheist in the end.   :)

I have learned many many things while being on exchange here, but academically I feel I have learnt far less than I should have. Nothing much to show for 3 months of studying Investments except a hazy knowledge of the Efficient Market Hypothesis (carried forward from my Financial Management days) and an even clouded idea of the many different asset pricing models. Oh, but I think my skill for crafting sentences that rhyme with stupid songs is still here.

Exam Version of Barney song

I love you, You Love me,

We are a fucked up family,

Cos of Lending and Investments, we are really screwed,

Fucking hailat through and through!

I don’t think Yvonne was amused when I disturbed her studying with that song. >_<  Humour is hard to find around here nowadays. (PS- I normally don’t use vulgar words, but I think exam time is a justified exception)

All I have to say about Brazil v Aus yesterday is that the Socceroos must have dug out some Aborigines bomohs from Central Australia to jampi the stupid Brazil team, especially Ronaldo. I waited for the Brazilian magic the whole night. What did I get? Embarassing footage of Ronaldo kicking air. At least the paralyzing effects of the voodoo wore off towards the middle of the second half when the constipated Brazillians managed to squeeze out a bloody goal, and then one more.

Otherwise I swear my final week here in Aus will be so damn hard to stomach.

Dah la, E-V-E-R-Y Nite on 9 News I’ve been forced to watch the replay of Cahill doing the punching move after scoring against Jpn.

In Jak’s words:-

SOCCER-WHO??!??!?!

I think I’m gonna need more than specs to save my eyes. I can read and read the same chapter for so long yet make a fundamental error in my comprehension of that topic.

Chat in MSN also can see wrongly.

Yvonne: "Well, I’m quite scared for the theory part. Calculations no nid focus cos did them during tutes already"

Me: "Wah, serious ar? Can ar? Liddat I also wana skip calculations also la.. if you skip, I also skip la"

Yvonne: "I DIDN’T skip la. You read properly can anot."

Damn selective reading, sial.

I’m totally screwed for Investments paper on Tuesday. My perfectly planned out study plan was cruelly destroyed by a blinding headache that attacked me as soon as I got out of bed this morning. But I’d promised Ming that I’d go with her around uni to take pictures for her to send back to her family in Shanghai.

The lightning pains between my eye sockets didnt diminish my appetite for taking pictures, though.

The journey of a thousand steps (ok make it 567 steps) to uni everyday starts from this little clearing near my house. Recommended to walk with head down to avoid stepping on dog poo that’s always around.

Yops.. Halfway there.. This stretch can be the best or worst part of the walk. Cos when the breeze is cool, you feel on top of the world. But when it’s freaking chilly and the wind’s biting, you can feel the ice forming around your eardrums.

I hate stairs.

Oooh ooh I must mention this. Ming has an incredible sense of curiousity. When we walked past the Service Centre, we saw something black and beaky on the ground. She HAD to go and poke and stare.

I obviously am afraid of the unknown, so I snap pictures from afar.

The jury is still out on whether this is a real bird or a fake bird.

Anyway, not only is she the most incurably curious person I have ever met (she once asked me why I shower twice a day during winter), she also has an embarassing obsession with the library. Like, why the hell you wana take pic in the library?

For the LIFE of me, I cannot fathom why. The librarians are either old or fat or both. Or young and nerdy. The books aren’t much to bitch about either as their value has an inverse relationship with the number of assignments or exams left to go through. The only thing I can think of is, that she wants a picture that gives her the sexy librarian look, with that "let me take a leaf out of YOUR book" connotation.

Jeez, I’m gonna miss her when I go home. Although she hates my bak kut teh, and says my sambal sotong is too spicy.

So anyway, I try and emulate her pose.

What a total turnoff.

Look like some damn ah ma.

Damn paiseh sial.

So after fooling around, the migraine got so bad I couldn’t even see where I was going.

Consequently slept the whole day, had to eat porridge with soy sauce, and now have about 8 topics to cover in two days.

Somebody just put me out of this misery.

And no, I’m not talking about the bloody yellow round sweet that’s sour when you first put it in your mouth before turning sweet. God dat idiotic advertisement.

JY is considering buying iPod 30gb.

Here I am, thinking and thinking and getting constipated over a bloody 1gb iPod nano. As if im buying real estate.

Sometimes I think too much.

International Banking and Finance was okay. Again, never test me on how to calculate covered interest arbitrage, or margin adjustments on futures, but must test all the tak pernah practise punya question. But still not so bad, lah. For sure HD tak da la, though.

I’m amazed by how little I know for the last two subjects that I’m sitting exams for next week.

While in the bus to Clayton:-

"Eh Yvonne, you know ar, if I were to sit for Investments or Lending exam today, I think sure fail lor."

"You think you only ar?"

(we stone all the way to the exam hall with that thought in our minds)

Oh no. I went and censored myself again. I can’t help it. Had a terrible fit last night.

Fuckedy-doo-dah.

Hope no one noticed. Te he he.

I promise to just put it up again, if my exam in about 4 hours time goes well.

PS- Never ever make decisions in the middle of the night when the walls are closing in upon you. You’ll regret it in the morning when the sunlight streams through your blinds, and a pretty blue bird is singing outside your window.

PPS - I think George Bush made the decision to invade Iraq at 2am in the morning when he had a really bad headache, had insomnia, and was in a fucked up mood cos his wife wouldn’t sleep with him.

(so this is the one where i actually took off yesterday, but said i will post up again if my exam today went well)

My blog is where I bring my pathetic attempt to convince myself that Life is still full of excitement despite having gone thru 2 shit weeks of hell. Sometimes I ask myself, "Why bother? I’m already sick of reading and re-reading my notes and tute answers, so why the heck not just leave it there and go do something else that makes me happy? Just fuck it even though its the night before the exam." Because I can’t. Because I will never forgive myself if I screwed up, knowing that I did not try my best. Because I hate myself looking back in retrospect asking myself "what if?" So I can’t lose it. Not right now.

Feeling a bit lonely right now. Alone, and lonely. Worst combination in the world. It’s at times like this, I want to just go back to sleep. Find that pretty little blue pill that used to solve all my problems and take it and just go to sleep. Back to those times where I very nearly lost it. 4 years have passed. 2002 was 4 years ago. At that time, I thought I would never make it through the year. That hell hole of a hostel room, that hell hole of a life. Even then, I knew I couldn’t give up. Even when it got worse, and I had to take the little blue m n m’s a small part of me just couldn’t let myself go. To lose all control would mean losing your will to live.

A part of me stayed sane even then, and I made it through. With his help, of course. God, I loved him. Those times when I totally lost it, and he literally carried me through the days. Imagine having someone so emotionally dependent on you and having to guide that person through every day, to keep smiling and propping her up, to hide your own sadness and problems just so you can help her find her smile again. That was what he did for me. At the risk of sounding over-emotional, I have to say that I don’t think anyone can ever do what he has done for me. (added comment- i actually now know for a concrete fact that it is true. if i had been with someone else, i think i’d have died)

Time has passed and we both are in relationships with somebody else. And I love the guy I’m with now. And I know he would try all means possible to make me happy, if he could do it. But the thing is that, you can never forget the deeds and actions of the person who was with you through the worst, hardest part of your life. I say deeds and actions, because that’s what I’m remembering and missing now, not the person himself. Because I know he’s changed, and though I know he’d still pull out the plugs to help me if I ever needed it, it somehow would not be like how it was anymore.

So we all have skeletons in our closets. This is one of mine. That only a few years back, I was a very unhappy girl, and I didn’t know what to smile for.

That’s why I know I’ll make it through tonight. Because for me, the worst has passed. Because no matter how shit things are right now, I remember how to smile.

P.S - The reason you are hearing about this is wholly due to the fact that I think blogging can be a very cathartic process.

pps- (wrote this on 15th June) looking back in retrospect.. its 1am 17th june now.. things within 24hours have changed my perception. but lets not get there shall we? already this post is too long for my standards..

Sometimes you think you know all there is to know about a person, and then suddenly at some totally selamba time, you find out something so shocking about that person. Ah Well, that just puts the spice in life, eh. Just like that Aus v Japan game. Anyhoos, a bunch of us were having dinner in the corner Chinese restaurant when I found out that this classmate I have known since February has (i mean had) a Melaka boyfriend. Ears prick up, antennae lengthens, gossip-absorbing RAM is activated.

Its a given that everybody in Melaka knows everybody, since that town is so freaking small and people there have nothing better to do with their lives, since there are no good malls, cinemas, parks or gyms. Turns out I do know of her ex. And HIS friends. The link = Secondary school tuition. Muahaha.

OMG!! Jacinda you know XXXX ar!! OMG OMG! Faster tell tell, what you know about him!

Okayyy! You know ar.. he ar.. gossipgossipgossip..

At times like dis, when you find that added connection to someone, and you expound that connection to the last thread, just makes you feel so good. Especially if the news is juicy.

Damn. I really sound like a ‘pat poh’. Just a bit lar okay? At least I don’t go blab state secrets or watever.

I’m getting ruder and ruder to people who disturb my concentration while I’m six feet deep in calculations trying to see how to make an arbitrage profit with 250 million yen. So Oliver said my MSN display pic looked cacat. Really, he should know better after knowing me for 9 years.

"I come from the Land Down Under!!"

"Where women glow and men plunder!!"

"Can’t u hear, can’t u hear the thunder!!"

"U better run, u better take cover!!!!"

If I hear that song again (even typed out on MSN), I will lose my mind.

I’m not so much against Australia winning as I am about HOW they won. Ok to be fair, Japan main macam slacker (ha like England la) in the 2nd half. But the Roos are no Paraguayian bimbos.

I’m just bitchy cos I lost the bet. No mood to comment about Harry Kewell’s cuteness also.

Ok Socceroos. U earned my respect (a bit la. the rest was luck okay) I’m sorry I called you guys pussies cos of the Gatorade TV ad. Or whatever that 100 Plus-like drink was.

But I’m not sorry that I thought your team name was funny. Cos no country in HISTORY has shown up at the World Cup with a nickname.

PS- I’m typing this really small in case somebody on the wrong side of the fence reads it and come whack me. I cakap Bahasa Melayu la.. in code better. Dalam game pada lapan belas haribulan jun nanti, habis you orang kena KEMEK oleh orang orang brasilia.